We have all heard the phrase,” home is where the heart is”, it is a phrase that has always made me feel good. But, the idea of feeling good was temporal. You see, home for me growing up was unstable. There was a lack of love, affection, intention, aspiration, peace, and stability for as long as I can remember. As a child, I didn’t realize this, or even know what I was experiencing wasn’t normal. I didn’t really fully understand this until a year ago. 2017 was a year of intense growth. I uncovered emotions that I didn’t even know existed in me. Much of which stems from my childhood that I carried into adulthood and even parenthood. When I had my oldest son, yes I can say oldest because he’s officially 10 years old LOL, I knew that I would shower him with love, affection, stability, and a peaceful environment where he would be able to grow. ALL these things I lacked growing up and I knew that I wasn’t going to allow that to happen to my child. My mom was my only sense of home. She was all I knew as a child. Well, her, my aunt, brother , and grandparents. She pulled a cold move on my father when I was two years old. Here’s a brief backdrop…. my mother was a daddy’s girl. Now, from stories I heard, my grandfather was the man before his “holy” days. So, quite naturally, my mom being the oldest was his little girl. He would spend on her and whatever she asked for it was given. But that all came to an end when he got “saved”. One day, he goes to church, gets saved and tells my mom that she needs to get “saved” too and stop shacking. SHACKING?!? WHAT?! WHERE?! Mind you, the year is 1990ish that all this transpires. So, what does my mother do? She goes to church, gets “saved”, and tells my dad either he gets saved or he has to go… WAIT. ONE. MINUTE. As the story is told to me by my mother, I’m thinking, wow… was it worth it? You drop a man that has taken care of you, a child that isn’t his, and the child you all have together because your dad tells you to? HMMM… interesting. When I asked my dad his side of the story, it matches exactly what was told to me. Eventually my dad left. And honestly, I don’t blame him. I was 14 years old when I met my dad, at age 22, I began to form a solid relationship with him. I didn’t blame my father for leaving, and honestly, I didn’t blame my mother. I blame what I understand now, her brokenness, which she carried into parenthood This made it hard for her to love, be affectionate, provide stability, and peace. How can HOME be some fragmented with Jesus in it was always the thought in my mind growing up. If Jesus loves us so much, why are we always homeless, why are our cars getting repossessed, why do we have to sleep in shelters, whyyyyy?!!? After years of this cycle, there was finally some physically stability, but never that feeling of HOME. I don’t regret any of it, but I was a master at hiding it. When I sat in service January 2017, the word was, Alignment: Hurt to Whole. I didn’t know what to expect but God knew exactly what I needed. Pastor begin to talk about hurt experienced by a parent or parents, immediately I broke like a dam and everything flooded out. I sobbed. At the time, I didn’t know what these tears meant, I just knew I needed this cleanse. After I had time to process what took place, I asked God for the courage to confront these feelings and give me the grace to talk to my mother. We talked, well, I talked and cried like a baby. That would be the first time in my adult life and to be honest, the first account I can recall expressing this emotion around my mother. It wasn’t received the way I hoped, but it opened the door to my own healing. Home and the heart, they are so closely connected. MY HEART HAS FOUND A SAFE HOME IN JESUS and I’m chilling!
Comments